When stimming meets conflicting needs

This is a really important topic - and one that seems rarely talked about.

Stimming can be a useful self regulatory tool - gaining sensory input that enables concentration, focus, processing and expression of emotions, and more. I often see information about the importance of not trying to stop people doing harmless stims just because it's 'not the done thing' or 'isn't neurotypical behaviour' - and this is absolutely correct.

But sometimes stims can conflict with someone elses needs. What then?

There is a big difference between demanding someone stops a harmless stim because it's 'not neurotypical behaviour', and asking someone to stop/change a stim due to conflicting needs while understanding their needs and trying to find a compromise that works for everyone.

Here's an example from my life:

When I'm a certain level of fatigued/overwhelmed - which often happens when I'm out at an event or something - I have to move while talking. Often this involves rocking slightly and lots of hand wringing/gestures. I think this movement helps me compensate for my poor proprioceptive feedback  due to hypermobility, and boost my circulation and blood flow to the brain (a PoTS related issue).

I have a friend with a brain injury that has left her with (among other things) significant balance issues and vertigo.

We were both at an event, both getting towards the end of our coping capacity, and really wanting to have a conversation together.

Her: "Um...is there any way you can sit still? Otherwise I think I might fall out my chair"

Me: *Sits on hands to see if the pressure will meet that feedback need. Concentrating on staying still wipes out all conversation brain* "I don't think I can be still and talk...."

And we both needed to see each other's faces as lip reading really helps us both in busy environments so shutting eyes/turning away wasn't an option.

The outcome?

She held a piece of paper up so only my head was visible above it. While I limited my movements to lower body and hands - keeping my head still. This meant I was able to get enough movement to maintain my function, and she got enough visual stillness to maintain her function. 

My stim was adapted - but still met my needs well enough, and her sensory input was manageable.

My take on this conflict of needs is that it is absolutely OK to raise the issue and look for a workable solution - and the key elements of this include:

1. Explicit recognition, acceptance, and respect of the fact that the stim is meeting a need for the stimmer. (And therefore, that the stim itself is not the problem - the problem is the conflict of needs). Many people who naturally stim have had years of being told it is bad, they are bad for doing it, and being forced to stop - leading to dysregulation and lasting harm. So just asking them to stop will sound like perpetuating the harm they are trying to heal from. So it is vital to make it absolutely clear from the start of the interaction that you totally respect that they are doing something constructive - not wrong. 
2. Clear statement of what the conflict is. For example, "Unfortunately it's giving me sensory overload/making me unable to concentrate/making me dizzy/triggering my misophonia" etc. This information is key to finding an appropriate solution.
3. A suggestion for a way forward (or even a couple of options), and be prepared for a solution that involves me to make some accommodations - not just them. For example "Do you mind if I move slightly so you aren't in my line of vision - then we can both can focus."  - or the compromise from my example where I changed my stim for one slightly less effective but good enough - and she got enough visual stillness, but had to hold up a piece of paper.

If I can't think of any suggestions for a way forward, then I'd ask something like "I'm not really sure what the best way forward is that will allow us both to function as well as possible. Do you have any ideas?" 

Sometimes the solution might be simple and effective, often it's a compromise, and sometimes you might not be able to find a solution that allows you both to be in the same space. But whatever the outcome, for me the core issue is truly believing that this isn't one person being annoying/inappropriate - it is two people with conflicting needs (whether those are disability or diagnosis related or not), and working together to find a way forward.

This blog isn't sharing the perfect solution - it's what I've learned so far in life. I'm sure that over time I'll learn more and my approach will develop. But I don't think my underlying principle of truly, sincerely, deeply respecting that the stim isn't 'the problem' will ever change.